Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
