Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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