You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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