My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
