So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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