Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
