Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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