The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
