i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
