my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
