shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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