I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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