I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
