I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
