since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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