just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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