Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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