i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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