i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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