I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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