just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
