Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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