and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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