Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
