five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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