I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
