Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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