it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
