come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
