i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
