I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
