remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize