your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
