Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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