Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
