im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize