I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
