You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
