you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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