wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
