WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize