I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
