i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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