i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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