You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
