Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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