When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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