Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
