I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
