connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
