I wanna bring you to show and tell
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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