Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
