So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
