I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
