I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
