this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
