I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
