I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
