A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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